Say "Here I Am!"

I've been having a hard time writing this entry because it's really emotional. All melodrama aside, I seriously think I have a touch of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But this may be my most important blog written and I hope you will remember it if G-d forbid the need arises.

LM ran away last week.

The boys were watching a show on Saturday morning. DH went to get a haircut, I was doing your usual weekend house stuff. I went downstairs to get the laundry, came back up and started to fold - glanced into the den and only saw Bear. Did a double take --- called him. LM? Went into his room, into mine ... LM? LM? Nothing. And then I just got that feeling. I can't really describe it ... almost like it's too quiet or calm and I just know he's not in the house. Our back door is double locked on the top but our side door he can open. So I run out the side door into the front yard. I don't see him. LM! LM! I'm starting to panic. A million things are going through my mind, but since he's not in plain sight out front I decided to go back into the house and look again. Now Bear has picked up on my panic. I'm yelling for LM and Bear is echoing me in his little voice ... lm! lm! ... I look in every room, in closets under beds. LM's not really a "hider" - he's never ever done this before. The reality hits me. He's really not in the house.

Now I race outside .... I see my elderly neighbor across the street in his front yard. I don't know him - I've lived here 6 years and know many of my neighbors very well, but I have never actually met this man. I run across the street (only at the last second remembering that Bear is running 2 steps behind me and pause to scoop him up) ... "Have you seen my little boy?" He politely says no but goes back to his garden. I run back to my house, go to my next door neighbor's house - we are very very close with them and I know they are not home - Maybe LM went to see if they were home? But we share a front lawn - he would be in plain sight.

And then I see that their back gate is open. And they have a pool. (This is where I'm stopping again because it's too hard to relive this moment.) So in slow motion, or maybe it's in warp speed - I don't even know... I'm in their backyard screaming LM's name. There's a gate around the pool and its still locked. There's a solar cover and it looks undisturbed, but still I know I have to look. I can honestly say it was the worst most sickening moment of my life as I lifted the cover and looked for my baby at the bottom of the pool. THANK YOU LORD, LM was not there.

It's been 10 minutes ... maybe 15. The elderly neighbor had walked down the street and asked our other neighbor if she'd seen LM. This neighbor knows us well, knows LM has autism. She's running down the street toward me, her teenagers are running the other way. We're all calling LM. I can't even breathe. She says we need to check my house again. She goes inside I go in the backyard. LM! LM! She's on the phone with 911 - I need to come inside - she needs to know what he's wearing. This can't be happening.

She asks if I'm sure he's not hiding. I tell her he never has ... and then I remember what we used to do back when he had very little language. Like most children with autism, one of our first indicators was that he didn't respond to his name. We made up a little game. I would say "LM! Say Here I AM!" and wave my arms wildly; and he would answer "Here AM" (or it sounded like it) and raise his hand - and we would make a huge deal over it and give lots of positive reinforcement. And so I shout "LM! SAY HERE I AM!" I say it again.

And we hear him. From in the backyard I hear "Here I am." He was in the backyard. I had looked. We have a 6 foot gate that is latched from the inside and is heavy. Somehow he managed to open it and close it and relatch it again. He was sitting on the side of the deck and looked like he was scared that he was in trouble. And then the hysterics started. I held him and sobbed and kissed him and sobbed. Bear held us both tightly and we all cried. I managed to thank my neighbors. This was the scene that DH came home to. By the Grace of God he didn't come home to an ambulance or police car.

I learned a lot of important lessons. Here are 2 of them.

1. I'm pretty certain LM heard panic in my voice and thought it was anger. He didn't want to answer when I called because he thought I was mad. Or possibly he was distracted by something and couldn't process his name being called. We'll be practicing the "SAY HERE I AM!" game a lot more. And we'll absolutely be including it in the La La Language and Social Circle curriculum. It's too important to overlook. Many young children don't know that they should answer to their name - how would they know to say "Yes?" or "What?" Please teach them! If they wander in the store or are hiding in the house - call their name and tell them how to respond... to say "HERE I AM" It's a little game now, but might really help if you ever need it.

2. I need to know ALL of my neighbors and they need to know us. I need them all to know what it means to have Autism or Aspergers - why LM might not react like a typical almost 6 year old.

I'll end with this -- LM is high functioning. I've heard so many stories of kids on the spectrum who have wandered, some with tragic endings. I didn't think it really pertained to us. Now I know that it does. ANY child can wander, stray or hide. I'm so very blessed that this story has a happy ending.

Stay safe.

Lea

Sensory Saturday: Rain, Rain, Go and Play!

We just got back from a week at our best friends' lake house - it was almost everything we hoped it would be ... Good Friends, Good Food, BAD Weather. Bad. Thunderstorms on the first day were actually beautiful and welcomed. There's something about sitting on the porch listening to the storm that had a calming affect on all of us. Lots of cuddling and even some hot chocolate in July. We had left realllly early so the boys were knocked out and took a heavenly nap. That was day one. By day 4 of the rain we were going a little stir crazy!
After three days of crafts, songs, movies, baking and indoor play, we were ready to kick the kiddos outside ... rain or no rain. Well, we did, and they had a blast! Here's a few of our new favorite Sensory Play ideas.


Puddle Jumping! Let a little boy outside during a rain shower and he'll find the puddles. Splashing and jumping took up the better part of an hour, but we got a little creative too. We practiced our animal walks and played "Mother May I" ... LM, take 3 giant frog jumps over these puddles. Bear, waddle like a penguin across this puddle. R, stomp like an elephant and swing your trunk through that big puddle. Who can make the biggest splash???

Mud Pies: We had all the sand toys out already, let's put them to use! We dug and squished and molded mud. Thick, squishy, messy mud. Pretty much anything we usually do with shaving cream we did with mud instead. LM wrote his name in the mud, we even "painted" the sidewalk with it. Added bonus: walking barefoot! Dig your toes in and pull them out for a satisfying "squelch" sound.

Nature Walk: While we're barefoot in the mud - let's take a barefoot walk and feel how different everything feels when it's wet. I told a modified version of "Going on a Bear Hunt" and we squished through mud, ran through the field and kicked through the puddles hunting for our bear. We also collected all sorts of little boy treasures in our pails ... leaves, worms, rocks and bugs.

Fill the Bucket: After 4 days of rain there was ALOT of water around. Garbage pails and flower pots were full. We gave each of the boys a sand pail and sent the on a mission: fill this giant garbage can to the top! They had a great time trying to carry full buckets (heavy work!) across the yard to fill the can. A little teamwork to build social skills ... LM and R carried buckets together by putting a piece of wood through the handle and getting on either side. LM ran right to the drain under the gutter and refilled his buckets rather quickly ... Bear stood still and tried to fill his pail with the drizzle that was still falling - he might still be out there ... lol.

How Wet Can You Get?: BY the end of the afternoon we had ditched the boots and raincoats and ultimately changed into bathing suits. One last mission ... get as wet as you can! "I'm getting wet under the trees!" "I'm getting wet in a puddle!" LM laid down on his back and let the rain cover him - Bear opened his mouth and tried to catch rain drops. All the boys "washed" the cars and splashed each other with sheets of water. We even pulled out the water guns.

Singing in the Rain: How many "rain songs" can you think of? We sang a lot! This was our favorite:

Bear is splashing in the water,

Bear is spalshing in the water,

Bear is splashing in the water ...

But he didn't get his bellybutton wet. Yet!

Drying Off: All good things must come to an end. Aunt Jenn was nice enough to put our towels in the dryer and they were cuddly warm when we stripped down and then wrapped up each little puddle jumper. Wrap them tight and hug them close - this was a day we won't soon forget.

Sing and Play the Sensory Way!
=D Lea

Back to Basics -- the Playground

I think sometimes I get a little caught up in LM's diagnosis. OK, I get A LOT caught up in his spectrum diagnosis, specifically the Sensory Processing Disorder part. In my defense - an SPD parent needs to be super aware of events and environments. I'm aways planning ahead -- how can I prepare him for this party or what can I do in advance to calm him so we can get half way through a dinner out (at a well thought out restaurant that I have already scouted and approved of) ... I envy parents who decide last minute to just go out.


Tonight, last minute, I needed to get the boys out of the house for a while. My husband was trying to do some repairs and was getting more frustrated by the second as they were stealing his tools and just generally in the way. (This is actually the third night in a row he's tried to fix the door, the first time his "little helpers" were cute ... the third time, well, not so much.) So anyway - he needed some space.


So the boys and I headed to a local restaurant that we've been to before. It's a family place so no one looked twice as LM ate his entire meal lying on his back on the booth seat. (hey - at least he was eating. I'm picking my battles here!) I was pretty proud of myself as we finished up and all shared a frozen yogurt. This was a great outing considering it was unplanned and last minute and also at the end of an already busy day. Only problem -- we'd been gone less than an hour and I promised hubby two.


Now it was approaching 7pm. My kids are in bed by 8 so at 7 we're usually in the midst of bedtime routines. What the heck was I supposed to do with them for another hour? LM made the choice for us as we passed the playground. Playground!!! Seems like a "DUH, why didn't you think of that, Mom moment" , right? Well, I DID think of the playground, but it's usually a place I avoid like the plague when I have the 2 boys by myself. Especially this particular playground. It's a really big modern place which is great but makes it VERY popular. And there are two different play structures but they are about 25 feet apart. How am I supposed to keep an eye on 2 kids who inevitably want to go to 2 different places?!? And then there's all the sensory issues. There's mulch under one playground and sand under the other. If LM is wearing sandals he freaks because sand is going to get onto his feet. There's a danger factor too. LM has very little fear and very little sense of danger. He'll climb as high as the structure will go, and not be able to judge distance and just drop to the ground. Also typical of a child with SPD, he feels very little pain. He went through an entire BBQ with a broken collar bone and didn't tell me until that night when I went to take his shirt off - "Don't Mom! My shoulder's sick." Typical children will fall a few times and learn to be more cautious because of the consequence. There is no consequence when there's no pain, so it gets out of control quickly.


But anyway ... back to tonight. What the heck, this was a spontaneous night and we might as well go for it. In a word - it was AWESOME! The timing was perfect, it was late enough that there were very few kids around. This was great for a bunch of reasons - less noise, less energy, less congestion and a clear line of sight for me to stick with LM but keep a good eye on Bear. It was also not as bright as a full sun afternoon. Something about this pre-dusk sky was very calming. It had cooled off nicely also.

Normally at this playground LM does 2 things and 2 things only. One is sit on the swing and spin or get pushed, or more likely, do a continuous lap around the play structure. Over and over he walks up one ladder across the bridge and down the slide. Walk back to the ladder and repeat. 200 times. It's a little labyrinth and he enjoys it, but it's so methodical and so unsocial. Although he is very very verbal, when his senses are overloaded his language goes away. There is no attempt to make a friend, and no response when a child approaches. It upsets me more than a little and I'd like to intervene and facilitate but with the sensory overload and also watching Bear, it's never the right moment.




Tonight it was as if LM was seeing this playground for the first time. Figuratively and literally, he was seeing it all in a different light. Where there was routine, now there was intention. He tried each and every ladder, slide and climbing structure. Out of my own over-protectiveness I wanted to re-direct him when he headed to the rock wall, but I stood by and let him try. SO GLAD that I did. With all the determination he could muster he made 9 attempts to climb to the top. Never giving up he explored different routes. I gave him a little hint and guided his foot to the proper hold. Then he got it. All the years of motor planning in Occupational therapy paid off as he looked for each step, reached and climbed. And when he got to the top ... pure joy. Full on intentional eye contact with a look of joyful pride that I have never seen before. Knowing that he had conquered it once, he scrambled down and tried again. He had it mastered this time.

Our 2 hours were up now, but I was savoring the moment with my two loves. This park has a great walking trail so we walked a lap hand in hand and my little chatterbox returned. Bear was getting really tired and I picked him up for the walk across the parking lot. LM got a little clingy so I hoisted him up too. "You're so strong Mom." No, you're so strong little man. In more ways than one.





Sing and Play the Sensory Way!
Lea

Sensory Saturday: Pack and Play Ball Pit

When LM was 2 year old (and not yet diagnosed)I took him to a friends birthday party at a local kids gym. The party program itself was a recipe for disaster: 20 toddlers shrieking, wide open spaces, no transitions between activities, and worst of all: me. An "unseasoned" mom new to this whole diagnosis, neurotic because LM was alternating between tantruming and spinning in circles.

But then a breakthrough. It was "freeplay" time and they opened the ball pit. (I'll add a sidenote here: I was totally THAT mom who believed the chain email I got about the disgusting germ infested toxic dump that is a kids ball pit - it took everything in me not to snatch him out!)So LM dove in and did this dolphin-like spin/dive/swim and for the first time had some interaction with another child. At least he looked in her direction and sort of played a "ball toss" with her. I won't say that the rest of the party was great, but there was a huge difference in his activity level after this.

A week later we started OT in a sensory gym and I learned all about the wonders of the ball pit. The ball pit is one of those super great activities that can both awaken AND calm senses depending on the needs of the child. I'll also add that its the one activity that a child instinctively knows what they need to do to regulate themselves in. Even as a 2 year old with no language (expressive or comprehensive) and the play skills of a 3 month old, LM knew just how to "use" the ball pit.

After seeing how much LM loved it and understanding the sensory benefits we decided to set up a ball pit at home. We went out and bought a mid-priced inflatable one. It was junk. It looked cute and had characters, but was much too shallow for even a small 2 year old to really "submerge" in. Next we got a small kiddie pool and bought 300 extra balls. Defenitely better, but took up a lot of room and the balls went flying everywhere when LM statred playing. And my neat-freak husband was twitching with all the balls everywhere.

LM was napping in his pack and play playpen and I had an epiphany. How about a ball pit in the pack and play? It was perfect. Deep enough to hold 400 balls that didnt spill out the top and enough room for LM to dive and roll in. And an added bonus: I could lift and shake the whole thing making "waves". The PNP ball pit is still the most used "toy" in our house and the first thing our playdate friends run for. It's the perfect multifunction toy.

The best part is that LM knows to go play in his ball pit for a few minutes when he needs to calm down. Giving him this self-regulation opportunity is priceless and a huge step towards getting him to manage on his own. If I had a must-have list, this would be at the top.

Happy Saturday!

Happy People Smile

I'll let you in on a secret. I started blogging almost two years ago, and it was a huge #FAIL.

I think, like is always the case in life, timing is everything. When I go back and read those posts I see a different family. A scared mom putting on a happy face, a lost little boy trying to make sense of his world, a marriage in trouble, and a baby whose infancy was rushed just so his neurotic mother could "start seeing some milestones." Ouch. Not the prettiest picture. I thought I was holding it all together. Little did I know when I wrote the last post of that blog that my "breaking point" was just days away.

So here goes ... this is the last post of my first blog. The post that forced me to really look at the state of my family and finally seek out some counseling and get my life (and head) in order. In a way, it's the best thing I've ever done. You might think a concerned friend pulled me aside and asked "how are you coping?" or a family member gently suggested I speak with someone ... but no. When I look back, I realize it was all about this last post. Pretty amazing. Here goes ....

"So today was 'one of those days' ... I was feeling down, ... overwhelmed with life and underwhelmed with motivation. The weather was dreary, I was drearier ... you get the picture. I must have sighed loud enough to disturb LM from lining up his toys (another blog for another day) and this is how our conversation went ...

LM: "Mommy sad."

Me: "No, Little Man. Mommy's happy. Mommy's always happy when I'm with my boys."

LM: "Happy people smile Mommy."

Me: Wow. Just Wow.

So there you have it. Take it from a 3 year old with extensive social skill training. Happy People Smile."

And there you have it. Diagnosed with depression by my autistic toddler. There's one for the Psych journals, huh?

La La Later ...

Lea